Review- Transformers: Age of Extinction
I've made some big sacrifices in my time writing for this blog. I watched Birdemic sober and alone. I paid to go see American Sniper. But this tops it all. For in an attempt to catch up on some of last year's blockbusters, I watched Transformers: Age of Extinction. I hope you enjoy this review because I didn't enjoy watching this film.
So what is this walking pile of arse waste? Well, Trans4mers (because that's what they should have called it) follows on from the last three films but with a new group of humans. We follow Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg and his daughter as they accidentally uncover Optimus Prime. This sends them and Whalberg's daughter's boyfriend on an adventure across the globe in which... Conspiracies happen? I don't know. The plot gets pretty confusing after the first half hour and if your film if 2 hours and 45 minutes long, that's bad news. The plot can best be summarised as a series of money shots, be they of explosions, women or explosions.
The acting is as lackluster as the story. Our "hero" is Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg, an inventor, as he loves to remind us. I will say, this is one of Whalberg's funniest roles. Unfortunately, this film isn't a comedy. His daughter can't act for shit. She's here to fill the role of "hot chick who will get kidnapped and works as a magical titted McGuffin" and in that sense, she fits the role perfectly. Her boyfriend has an awful accent that could be American, Irish or Australian. He is an awful addition for the sole reason that he introduces the Romeo and Juliet clause, a whole law that talks about how it's okay for a twenty year old to bang a minor. The sad thing is, I feel like more effort went into that than into the entire script for this film. And finishing off the cast is the ever lovable Stanley Tucci made despicable in all the wrong ways. Thanks Michael Bay, you ruined a man who couldn't even be ruined by The Core.
This film is sadly also subject to Michael Bay and his many Bay-isms and they're on full display here. First up, is the love given to America. In a lot of the scenes in the film, American flags are littered everywhere. They're in garages, they're on buildings, they're on helmets. Can we put a flag on it? 'MERICA YES WE CAN!!! There are also poorly written female characters who serve as pieces of meat for men to drool over. This is bad enough when done once but when it's done to multiple characters over multiple films and there isn't a single well written female character (in fact there's barely a well written character, full stop), that's unforgivable. There's also dramatic looking lens flares with people looking at the sunset, kissing or being with family because why not? And finally, explosions. Lots of explosions. Explosions where explosions shouldn't be, explosions that look like fireworks and explosions in explosions, all exploding conveniently next to our heroes. It's a mess, but a trademark, spunk covered mess at that.
This film is a waste of 2 hours and 45 minutes. At least when Boyhood dragged on that long it was doing so in a way that was genuine and artistic. The only saving grace of this film (and I do mean only) is that Imagine Dragons wrote two songs for it. But that doesn't forgive a soulless, advertising filled mess that promised us Dinobots and gave us 5 minutes of Dinobots. And those minutes weren't even that good! This is a film that can't even do robot dinosaurs right. The only reason I'm not rating this film lower is because of Imagine Dragons and for their sake, I give this film a paltry
So what is this walking pile of arse waste? Well, Trans4mers (because that's what they should have called it) follows on from the last three films but with a new group of humans. We follow Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg and his daughter as they accidentally uncover Optimus Prime. This sends them and Whalberg's daughter's boyfriend on an adventure across the globe in which... Conspiracies happen? I don't know. The plot gets pretty confusing after the first half hour and if your film if 2 hours and 45 minutes long, that's bad news. The plot can best be summarised as a series of money shots, be they of explosions, women or explosions.
The acting is as lackluster as the story. Our "hero" is Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg, an inventor, as he loves to remind us. I will say, this is one of Whalberg's funniest roles. Unfortunately, this film isn't a comedy. His daughter can't act for shit. She's here to fill the role of "hot chick who will get kidnapped and works as a magical titted McGuffin" and in that sense, she fits the role perfectly. Her boyfriend has an awful accent that could be American, Irish or Australian. He is an awful addition for the sole reason that he introduces the Romeo and Juliet clause, a whole law that talks about how it's okay for a twenty year old to bang a minor. The sad thing is, I feel like more effort went into that than into the entire script for this film. And finishing off the cast is the ever lovable Stanley Tucci made despicable in all the wrong ways. Thanks Michael Bay, you ruined a man who couldn't even be ruined by The Core.
This film is sadly also subject to Michael Bay and his many Bay-isms and they're on full display here. First up, is the love given to America. In a lot of the scenes in the film, American flags are littered everywhere. They're in garages, they're on buildings, they're on helmets. Can we put a flag on it? 'MERICA YES WE CAN!!! There are also poorly written female characters who serve as pieces of meat for men to drool over. This is bad enough when done once but when it's done to multiple characters over multiple films and there isn't a single well written female character (in fact there's barely a well written character, full stop), that's unforgivable. There's also dramatic looking lens flares with people looking at the sunset, kissing or being with family because why not? And finally, explosions. Lots of explosions. Explosions where explosions shouldn't be, explosions that look like fireworks and explosions in explosions, all exploding conveniently next to our heroes. It's a mess, but a trademark, spunk covered mess at that.
This film is a waste of 2 hours and 45 minutes. At least when Boyhood dragged on that long it was doing so in a way that was genuine and artistic. The only saving grace of this film (and I do mean only) is that Imagine Dragons wrote two songs for it. But that doesn't forgive a soulless, advertising filled mess that promised us Dinobots and gave us 5 minutes of Dinobots. And those minutes weren't even that good! This is a film that can't even do robot dinosaurs right. The only reason I'm not rating this film lower is because of Imagine Dragons and for their sake, I give this film a paltry
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