Razzies 2016- My predictions
For those of you who are unaware, the Razzies are an annual award held shortly before the Oscars that "celebrate" the worst movies of the year. After all, who says that bad films don't deserve recognition too? I would also like to apologise for the lack of Pan being nominated in every category. It was the worst film I saw last year and should have been in every category. Finally, I was lucky enough not to see all of these films so I'm just going off what other people have said and also my pre-existing hatreds of various people.
Razzie Redeemer- Sylvester Stallone for Creed
We're starting off positive with the Razzie Redeemer award. This award is for people who have made bad stuff but have started to make good stuff again. I chose Sylvester Stallone because he was great in Creed and he made it after slurring his way through three decades and three Expendables films. From ex-action star to rising dramatic actor, it's one of the most impressive returns since last year's winner Ben Affleck.
Worst Screenplay- Fantastic Four
In a way, Fant4stic (as I shall call it from here on) isn't responsible for it's awful script. Due to disagreements between the director and the studio about what kind of film we should be getting, the film feels like two films clumsily stuck together. I'm still giving this film the award though because that still resulted in an awful film with an awful script. Remember what I said earlier about it being two films stuck together? Well, it's also here because frankly, those two films weren't particularly great on their own. Alone, they're bad. Together, they'refantastic awful.
Worst Director- Andy Fickman for Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
It's difficult to pin down the worst director here because there isn't a lot of directing really being done. That's why I went for one of the laziest films of the year, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. The punchline of the first film was "man is fat, he falls over, segways suck LOL". Fortunately, this film went for a much more complex punchline in "this is Vegas, man is fat, he falls over, segways suck LOL". There was no talent required, all the director had to do was point the camera at Kevin James and watch him be fat.
Worst Screen Combo- All four "Fantastics" in Fantastic Four
How is it that you can take three great actors (and one whose ability I don't know about), put them together in a film and they have genuinely awful chemistry? You have Miles Teller, straight out of Whiplash being Mr Not-so-Fantastic. You have Kate Mara from House of Cards bringing the mizzle, not a storm. You have Michael B. Jordan who proved himself in Creed but was a flaming mess here. And you have Jamie Bell who is meant to be good in Billy Elliot being a CG rock man. Even reshoots didn't give the actors any semblance of chemistry. I just hope that these actors can prove in the future how talented they are and that they shouldn't be defined by this spectacular failure.
Worst Supporting Actress- Rooney Mara for Pan
Finally, I get to nominate Pan for something. I wouldn't say that Rooney Mara is the worst thing about the film but she is pretty bad. Even ignoring the fact that she is a white actress in an American-Indian part, it's just bad. She is bland and lifeless and brings nothing to the table. She is mildly hot occasionally so there's that but that doesn't make performances. Yeah, I just wanted to rip on Pan, she isn't that awful.
Worst Supporting Actor- Josh Gad for Pixels and The Wedding Ringer
I was unfortunate enough to catch a snippet of Pixels once. It was Josh Gad singing at some gala. He was doing the Tears for Fears classic Everybody Wants to Rule the World while humping his microphone, then the floor, then both. For ruining that song, he gets the award. I also feel like he needs to be taken down a notch after Frozen. You're not unstoppable just because you were in a billion dollar movie. You can make, and have done in the last year, bad films so don't get cocky kid. Ugh, I wasted a Star Wars reference on Josh Gad.
Worst Actress- Dakota Johnson for Fifty Shades of Grey
Dakota Johnson managed the impressive task of failing to act as well as porn stars, a group of people famed for having the dramatic ability of a spider with no legs. Credit where it's due, Johnson didn't do as bad a job as Kristen Stewart in Twilight, who the role is based on but there is as much lip biting and pouting. I'm pleased to say I haven't seen the movie in full but the bits I have seen just don't make sense. Why would you respond like that to a sex offender creep or to the words of any script?
Worst Actor- Adam Sandler for The Cobbler and Pixels (only because Netflix deal will keep him out
for a while)
Consider this award one for the next few years, seeing as Sandler will be out of the running in the future for his Netflix deals. He pushed out two shit mounds last year. The first, Pixels, was a lazy adaptation of a three minute viral video. The second, The Cobbler, was so bad it was simply withdrawn from many cinemas days before release and also (fun fact) was directed by Tom McCarthy, director of Oscar nominee Spotlight. Anyway, Sandler is renowned for laziness and that's all his acting is. He needs to get this award purely for the amount of times he won't be able to get it in future years.
Worst Picture- Fantastic Four
This award should be Pan because it's one of the worst films I've seen in a very long time but it wasn't nominated so it gets off the hook here. Instead, I give this award to the second worst film I saw last year and to be fair, it's a close second. Fant4stic is so awful because it feels like a total cash in on the current superhero trend and isn't trying to adapt it's source material in anyway. If nothing else, this film does two very important things. 1. Superhero films can fail and spending hundreds of millions doesn't make it good and 2. The best Fantastic Four adaptation is probably always going to be the musical from Arrested Development.
Razzie Redeemer- Sylvester Stallone for Creed
We're starting off positive with the Razzie Redeemer award. This award is for people who have made bad stuff but have started to make good stuff again. I chose Sylvester Stallone because he was great in Creed and he made it after slurring his way through three decades and three Expendables films. From ex-action star to rising dramatic actor, it's one of the most impressive returns since last year's winner Ben Affleck.
Worst Screenplay- Fantastic Four
In a way, Fant4stic (as I shall call it from here on) isn't responsible for it's awful script. Due to disagreements between the director and the studio about what kind of film we should be getting, the film feels like two films clumsily stuck together. I'm still giving this film the award though because that still resulted in an awful film with an awful script. Remember what I said earlier about it being two films stuck together? Well, it's also here because frankly, those two films weren't particularly great on their own. Alone, they're bad. Together, they're
Worst Director- Andy Fickman for Paul Blart Mall Cop 2
It's difficult to pin down the worst director here because there isn't a lot of directing really being done. That's why I went for one of the laziest films of the year, Paul Blart Mall Cop 2. The punchline of the first film was "man is fat, he falls over, segways suck LOL". Fortunately, this film went for a much more complex punchline in "this is Vegas, man is fat, he falls over, segways suck LOL". There was no talent required, all the director had to do was point the camera at Kevin James and watch him be fat.
Worst Screen Combo- All four "Fantastics" in Fantastic Four
How is it that you can take three great actors (and one whose ability I don't know about), put them together in a film and they have genuinely awful chemistry? You have Miles Teller, straight out of Whiplash being Mr Not-so-Fantastic. You have Kate Mara from House of Cards bringing the mizzle, not a storm. You have Michael B. Jordan who proved himself in Creed but was a flaming mess here. And you have Jamie Bell who is meant to be good in Billy Elliot being a CG rock man. Even reshoots didn't give the actors any semblance of chemistry. I just hope that these actors can prove in the future how talented they are and that they shouldn't be defined by this spectacular failure.
Worst Supporting Actress- Rooney Mara for Pan
Finally, I get to nominate Pan for something. I wouldn't say that Rooney Mara is the worst thing about the film but she is pretty bad. Even ignoring the fact that she is a white actress in an American-Indian part, it's just bad. She is bland and lifeless and brings nothing to the table. She is mildly hot occasionally so there's that but that doesn't make performances. Yeah, I just wanted to rip on Pan, she isn't that awful.
Worst Supporting Actor- Josh Gad for Pixels and The Wedding Ringer
I was unfortunate enough to catch a snippet of Pixels once. It was Josh Gad singing at some gala. He was doing the Tears for Fears classic Everybody Wants to Rule the World while humping his microphone, then the floor, then both. For ruining that song, he gets the award. I also feel like he needs to be taken down a notch after Frozen. You're not unstoppable just because you were in a billion dollar movie. You can make, and have done in the last year, bad films so don't get cocky kid. Ugh, I wasted a Star Wars reference on Josh Gad.
Worst Actress- Dakota Johnson for Fifty Shades of Grey
Dakota Johnson managed the impressive task of failing to act as well as porn stars, a group of people famed for having the dramatic ability of a spider with no legs. Credit where it's due, Johnson didn't do as bad a job as Kristen Stewart in Twilight, who the role is based on but there is as much lip biting and pouting. I'm pleased to say I haven't seen the movie in full but the bits I have seen just don't make sense. Why would you respond like that to a sex offender creep or to the words of any script?
Worst Actor- Adam Sandler for The Cobbler and Pixels (only because Netflix deal will keep him out
for a while)
Consider this award one for the next few years, seeing as Sandler will be out of the running in the future for his Netflix deals. He pushed out two shit mounds last year. The first, Pixels, was a lazy adaptation of a three minute viral video. The second, The Cobbler, was so bad it was simply withdrawn from many cinemas days before release and also (fun fact) was directed by Tom McCarthy, director of Oscar nominee Spotlight. Anyway, Sandler is renowned for laziness and that's all his acting is. He needs to get this award purely for the amount of times he won't be able to get it in future years.
Worst Picture- Fantastic Four
This award should be Pan because it's one of the worst films I've seen in a very long time but it wasn't nominated so it gets off the hook here. Instead, I give this award to the second worst film I saw last year and to be fair, it's a close second. Fant4stic is so awful because it feels like a total cash in on the current superhero trend and isn't trying to adapt it's source material in anyway. If nothing else, this film does two very important things. 1. Superhero films can fail and spending hundreds of millions doesn't make it good and 2. The best Fantastic Four adaptation is probably always going to be the musical from Arrested Development.
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