To polish a turd- Where the wild things are (The horrible film version)

Where the wild things are was a book that I completely adored as a child and one that my Dad would often read to me. It's a book filled with fond memories and magic. Then little child Henry saw the film version and all his hopes and dreams were crushed. To this day, it's the only film I've ever started and deliberately never finished. Until, you know, I had to re-watch it for this. Anyway, it was a hunk of shit, it destroyed the book's legacy and gave another bit of evidence to the side fighting for no more book to film adaptations. All in all, it's probably the worst film I've ever watched. But the saddest bit is that it could probably have been at least okay. This film shouldn't exist, but it didn't have to be as bad as it was.

Now, for a film, you must have a likable or at least interesting set of characters. This film fails at that spectacularly. The mum shouts at her child, calling him a freak, and is then surprised when he runs off. The sister's friends are just dicks. They crush Max's igloo and that is their character. The actual wild things have personalities but you won't care. There's the angry one, the sad one, James Gandolfini (why would you do this James!?!?!?) and the timid one. Hope you enjoy characters without characters. And the main kid. Oh god, the main kid. Right, the main character in Fight Club is not particularly likable but he's bloody fascinating. That's why it works. This has a main character where the main character is neither likable (due to his constant seesaw of "I'm sad" and "I'm great") or interesting (due to him being your typical moaning child type.) I spent the film sitting there, hoping that the characters would either magically develop personalities or that it would end.

It should also be considered that this was a book that in no way needed any film made of it. The book was so great and wonderful because it had mystery. You had no idea what these things were, where it was or why Max had ended up here. You were just taken away to this island to meet these strange creatures. It was also a picture book with about 20 pages. You should not make 20 pages into a movie. Look. Sin City was a film which took a few books with about 200 pages each. Scott Pilgrim was a film made from 6 books. And those were books with an audience who were interested in seing the style and charisma those oozed go over to the big screen. At no point when reading Where the wild things are did I think "I wish they'd make a film about this". That's what's wrong with it. There is zero reason for this to exist.

Probably the largest reason this film was a pile o crap was because it hasn't got an audience. It tries to be an indie kids film. There's a reason those don't exist and I'll give you a clue why. They suck. As a smallish child watching this film, I didn't enjoy it. As a teenager with an interest and respect for indie/arty films, I hated it. The problem is, it's too dark to be a kid's film but too childish to be a film for adults. I mean for christs sake, one of the wild things has his arm torn off. For a child, that's really messed up. For an adult, you at least want a Kill Bill style shower of blood from that socket. It deals with themes that will confuse or worry children but these are themes that are explored far better in films for adults. If they want a film that deals with those themes, they'll watch it and stick Frozen on again for the kids because parenting.

I do have one last thing to say. I did quite like the soundtrack. It was quite nice and brought hints of emotion to scenes where you cared not for anything. But it's not worth watching the film for. Nothing is. Having now seen it the whole way through, I can't recommend it less. Don't watch it. For a decent metaphor, it's like the balance beam on Total Wipeout. Some people tread it perfectly and avoid falling into the water of mediocrity. Others fall onto their balls and then belly flop the water. Where the wild things are is the second one. And don't mess with the books of Henry's childhood. Next we'll be getting a film of Guess how much I love you with Oprah Winfrey as the mother rabbit and Jaden Smith as her son. Please don't.