Free to Nay- Unturned

Before we start, an introduction to this series. It will be me talking about free to play games and more often than not, they will be bad.(Hence the title) They're not getting reviews because they're generally frequently updated and would also tarnish the sanctity of reviews.


A few weeks back, my friends told me a horror story. The story was about this game called Unturned. Legend had it that the game was so bad, so awful, so unbelievably unplayable it drove many to commit suicide. But then comes the scariest bit of the story: this game exists. As such, it felt only appropriate that I spend some of my well earned holiday researching this myth. I went to the front page of steam and, sure enough, there it stood. Looking at me with it's unflinching eyes. Here I was, looking into the eyes of a killer. Terrified. Still, I thought "Hell to it" and downloaded it anyway. And this brings me to a positive: the game doesn't take up much space. However, I soon found out why it took up such little space. It was shit.

Day 1
The first play session (which I shall call a day from now on) ends. Lives blend into lives, events into events, zombie into zombie.
The highlights

• Eating some berries, getting high, getting eaten by a zombie
• Finding a gun, reaching down to grab it, getting wrecked by a zombie
• Entering a military base, climbing a tower, falling from the tower, breaking my legs, running away from a train of about 15 zombies, swimming away, losing the will to live, committing suicide

This first day also brought some other things to my attention. First, without a weapon, zombies are bastards to kill. Also, 1 hit will take out 10 of your 100 health points. And there are only 4 inventory slots. This is going to be a slow playthrough. Oh, and another thing. There is an attempt at a crafting system but it's never mentioned and is poorly explained. Maybe there'll be further developments in later days, but for now, the game is seeming pretty poor.



















Day 2
After a break, I return feeling ready to face the terror. But today's going to be different. Yesterday was very difficult so I'm having a day on easy mode, to calm myself.
Today's highlights include:

• Finding a hat
  

• Being overrun by a swarm of zombies in a stolen car
  
   

• Cloud watching. For example, this one looks like a blocky piece of shit
  

• After a minute in a car, I decide it's all too much and attempt to end it all. The plan fails and I watch the car ride of into the ocean/sunset
  
  
  
  

To give you readers a sense of empathy, I'm going to take you through a day in the life of Unturned through words and pictures

1. I spawn in, taking a moment to appreciate the beauty of the world.

2. While looking over yonder, I see a farm. This can only be good. No problems to do with zombies ever happen on farms.

3. I walk into the farm and ask the farm's owner if I can borrow his axe. No complaints from him.

4. I decide to leave the farm and wish it's occupants good health

5. After leaving, I seek out more signs of life. Or not, if you will

6. A town is spotted. I think I've been here before. Nah. That's impossible. If I'd been here before there would be a huge amount of zombies and burning cars

7. SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT

8. Bollocks. And they say you can't die in nightmares

Day 2 ends and I feel no better. I've found weapons (including a crossbow), I've discovered the beautiful sights that are on offer and I've killed a few more zombies. Tomorrow this will all be over. One way or another. Better get some sleep

Day 3

Today I awake in the middle of a field. I'm not sure if I went on another berry trip or if I had just attempted to end it all. Either way, I knew this would be my final life before I either left to write this and return soon after, to further enjoy the wonders of Unturned or if I would delete the game forever. (I'll give you a hint: it wasn't the first one) I run to the nearest landmark. This time: a military base. I spot a plane. I know instantly that one of two things is about to happen. 1. I will fly off into the sunset/invisible walls on the horizon. 2. Dramatic final stand on top of the plane, a scene worthy of any good zombie film. It would turn out that you can not enter planes so number two seems a pretty cool way to end it. I clamber up to the plane, ready to take on the horde when it turns out that zombies can climb. I die instantly and never returned.

So having put over an hour into this game, I feel I can offer my thoughts on this and to have it be entirely conclusive and definitive. And it's left me with two minds. My first thought is that this game is awful. It is bad looking, not fun and un-imaginative. It is the kind of game that has got mountains of attention and deserves little of it other than to say DON'T PLAY THIS. However, I am of one other mind. The other mind is saying that this game is actually a deep satire on awful games. It plays bad, looks bad and feels bad to comment on the flaws an unoriginality of the gaming industry. Because when it comes to bringing up these issues, this game is constantly bringing them up. It's a satire that is self aware and genius. It has to be. Right? Because the only other option is that someone made this, thinking it was good. And if that's true, we have a very delusional madman loose in society. As members of society, it is our job to bring him to justice once and for all.