Review - Gooby



Gooby is like a nightmare I once had. I don't really know how else to preface this, it's a nightmare. First, why am I reviewing Gooby? Well, there are two reasons. First, it was highlighted by this great video by YouTuber Drew Gooden, where the question of "am I sure they didn't make this up?" was raised in my mind almost every single minute. I also had some dear, dear friends of mine watch it together at the start of this madness and their delightful shitposting since then has inspired me to investigate the source of their insanity. Investigate I did, and I'm wishing I hadn't. Gooby is the story of a boy who moves house and is followed by his childhood teddy bear, only he's massive and has a Scottish accent. Hijinks ensue! It's about learning to love yourself and feel comfortable in a new setting. In terms of setup, it's like the worst of E.T. meets the worst of Drop Dead Fred! Nothing seems to happen for 90 minutes, and then it ends and then I can never get that time back and OH GOD, THE AGONY, PLEASE MAKE IT STOP!
Gooby
Actors were in this movie and I really hope they were paid well for this. There is a child. He cannot act but he is a child, so he gets a slight pass on being bad. There is a woman, she plays a mum. Bad. There is a man, he plays a dad. Not good. There is another woman, she plays the nanny. Really bad. There is also Hagrid as Gooby©. Gooby is insane. This is not a bear come to life, this feels very definitely like a man in a bear suit, following a child around and playing a weird, possibly sexual game, in which Gooby gets to be a dad. There was also a real dissonance between the actor in the suit and the actor with the words, the things they do do not be the same things they do, it make my brain do hurty! All these people are poorly sketched characters, motivated to change only by the barest of plot requirements. Oh yeah, and also there's American Pie guy. Not the one who put his dick in a pie, the one who saw him do that. He's here too I guess. Yay.
Gooby
I think this film might be a horror film in disguise. There's a whole early section of the film where Gooby doesn't turn up and his actions are always greeted with music that wouldn't feel out of place in The Conjuring. In fact, if I dare say so, I will say that this movie is scarier than The Conjuring. Once Gooby turns up, the scares only ratchet up, this is an absolutely horrific costume. He has teeth and weirdly wide eyes and is much too large. Remember the reaction the internet had when Sonic was revealed with human teeth? When everyone shit and pissed and cried themselves from fear? That is Gooby. Gooby is shitting and pissing and crying with fear. It is weird, unrelated musical montages that are clearly there to fill time, filled with songs that have creepy sexual undertones that should not be present in a family film. That might be all I have to say, I can already feel the bad pain coming back to my brainy brain brain.
GOOBY
Goboy is bad. No likey! Make me go angry and crazy! Did some nice paths on Animal Crossing while trying to stave of insanity, still not like it at all! Please don't see Gooby! It not good and now it ruin my brain and now I give score. I think. Score time. Here is the score MAKE IT STOP


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