Review - The Lion King (2019)... For Real This Time

Remember last year when I did a hilarious post that seemed like it was going to review the remake that had just come out of The Lion King but was actually of the 1994 original? Yes, I know, sometimes my comedic genius blows me away too, it was such a funny move. In fairness, it wasn't just for laffs, I was also making a very deliberate point of not going to see The Lion King (2019) in cinemas and while I'm glad I did, it didn't stop the film making over a billion dollars because the world is a miserable cesspit and we can't escape. Speaking of miserable cesspits, as you may be guessing by the title and general content of this post, I did recently see the film. Why am I reviewing it though, surely I could take more power from Disney by just trying to ignore it? I could but honestly, this blew all my expectations out of the water, it was so so so so so much worse than I expected which, as a pessimistic person, was a shock. So we're going to do this, we're going to review this piece of shit, because I don't want the two hours I lost to have been for nothing. Stick around, I'm sure my rage will make this far funnier than the other Lion King post.

Needless to say, The Lion King (2019) is not as radical a remake as Suspiria (2018). It's shit.

This is the bit where we talk about the plot of The Lion King which seems like a farce because we all know the plot of either the 1994 original, Hamlet or both but trust me, I'm going through it for a reason. Simba is a little baby lion, born into the lion monarchy. He has a great life, walking around the plain and hanging out with his dad, knowing that one day all of this will be his. That takes a slight turn for the worse when his evil uncle Scar kills his dad and frames Simba for it, causing Simba to flee the prideland and hang out with a warthog and meerkat (who are definitely gay). You've realised by now that the plot is exactly the same, no meaningful changes are made. This doesn't have to be a problem, but the issue is that for some reason, this film is half an hour longer than the animated original. Not changing the story in a film you're remaking isn't a problem but then dragging that story out over another half hour is an issue. The 2018 Suspiria remake was an hour longer than the original but it was such a radical reworking of the story that you understand it needs all that extra time. Needless to say, The Lion King (2019) is not as radical a remake as Suspiria (2018). It's shit.

It just feels like you're watching footage of animals with celebrities talking over it.

One of the things people got hyped about this film is the cast and yes, that also sucks here. In fairness, these are a lot of great actors here and none of them are actively awful but they're just. So. BORING. Plenty of actors I like are in this film, from Donald Glover to John Oliver and even, for some bizarre reason, Eric Andre, the pride of Florida. Great, people are like are in this film, I should be happy. So why am I so sad? The problem with all these celebrities being cast here is that they have been cast exactly because they are celebrities. In the original, you feel like the voice actors who were chosen were chosen because their voice was best for the role. Many of the cast you recognise, sure, but you're listening to Simba or Pumba talking, not Donald Glover or Seth Rogen. Beyonce isn't in this movie because she's one of the best voice actors around, she's in this movie because she brings her Beyhive with her to this film, an obsessive fan base that will attack anyone who dares be even casually dismissive of her. Exacerbating this problem is the issue of photo-realistic animals talking. That original animation has barely aged, you could watch the 1994 original silenced and still understand the emotions that are going on. Unfortunately, real life animals cannot emote like that, so it just feels like you're watching footage of animals with celebrities talking over it. Some of the animals it's less bad with (the lions have fine mouth syncing) but when you start getting to animals like Zazu, it becomes actively awful. Why make this film look realistic when animals talking is an inherent breach of reality?

You will want to vomit from anger.

I am ready to talk about the animation now. Many detractors of the film will say "Well, the film is pointless but at least the animation looks good" and I would actually like to disagree with that; I don't think the animation looks good in this film. Please don't misunderstand me, on a technical level it is well made, many animators worked exceptionally hard on this film and were probably paid peanuts for it. I just think this visual style lacks any soul. The whole film feels brown and bland in a way that many video games would back in 2008 as a way of both showing how serious they are and also disguising animation limitations, which is baffling because this is Disney! It's a film made for families that cost hundreds of millions of dollars, neither of these things should be goals! I worry I won't be able to convey how upsetting I find this "realistic" animation style. The joy of the original Lion King is that it has so much visual flair. One of my favourite sequences is the "I Just Can't Wait to be King" scene, which has animals stacked on top of each other, with joyous colour flowing off the screen. Compare it to the upsettingly boring 2019 version, where Simba and Nala just walk around a watering hole and you will want to vomit from anger. Maybe it looks great and realistic to certain idiots now, but this film will look like absolute shit in ten years. Hey, great news though, Disney will sweep back in and remake it again because we live in a capitalist dystopia and Disney are our benevolent overlords, telling us to keep eating their shit even as we begin to bloat beyond control. While watching the film, I made some notes and reading them back now, they are nonsense, fuelled by anger, disappointment and the beer that I resorted to ten minutes into the film. With a gun to my head, if you asked me to name one thing I like about this film, I will say the credits sequence. It's ten minutes long, which means that the film actually ends ten minutes earlier than you'd feared, and I really appreciated that. Asked to name another positive, I'd take the bullet.

This film makes me feel like cinema was a mistake.

Back in 2018, I already knew I was going to hate this film and while I'm sure you could argue that I didn't give the film a chance, it actually exceeded my expectations; The Lion King (2019) was so much worse than I expected it to be. It was soulless, bloated and didn't even look good, despite the fact that was its one selling point. And it made a billion dollars. Even in a world where Parasite exists, a world where Little Women exists, a world where shit like The Lighthouse gets to exist, this film makes me feel like cinema was a mistake. Quite obviously, and with a genuine lack of hyperbole, I give The Lion King a