An Attempt to Defend - Swiped
I'm attempting a new format! Usually here on the blog, I only talk about bad films to review them and thoroughly drag them through the mud. But I want to really challenge myself. Anyone can write about a bad film being bad but can I write about the good aspects of critically reviled movies? We're going to find out, starting with one of the worst reviewed films of the year, Swiped. If you want a review that properly dives into how bad it is, I highly recommend this article by my friend Tabby https://shotswedeserve.wordpress.com/2019/07/03/review-swiped/, she watches Netflix trash so you don't have to. Anyway, her post is a sincere look at how the film is terrible but from here on out, I am going to attempt a deeply ironic and sarcastic look at the great aspects of this film. God help us all.
I don't know if you guys noticed this but people use their phones a lot, right? Like, hey teens, you wanna stop looking at that screen and engage the real world? It's something that I just don't feel that TV and Film have addressed properly but finally, Swiped is here to change that. It's the story of a kid who moves to college (very relatable because I am also in an American college) and then his roommate convinces him to start a hookup app with a difference. As I'm sure we all feel, the big problem with hookup apps is that there's just too much contact with the other person. No one (and I mean no one) wants to spend time with or money on the person they match with, literally every single person is just looking for a quick and easy hookup. What is interesting about this is that it shows that both men and women are trash because guys just want to bangother guys girls easily and women are so desperate for connection that they're willing to be treated like actual shit just for a chance to feel something, which I think is very even handed of the filmmaker. As the film progresses, it becomes sort of like The Social Network for the modern age, because that film is set in the early 2000s and is therefore super dull and uninteresting to modern kids like me. I make this comparison because both films at their core are about love: both Mark Zuckerberg and glasses kid in this film want to get their knob on, but just with one girl unlike everyone else. It's a powerful story about what one man will do to score a bit of pussy, even though he could absolutely get better elsewhere and I think that's an interesting dynamic.
There are performances in this film. The reason you may have heard about this film is probably one of the leads, Noah Centineo. We all fell in love with him in To All the Boys I Loved Before (not me because I am hella straight, which is why I watched that film in bed with my gay homie) and he has made films since then. Like before, he still has the same face and that face is a cute face (again, not gay) so he is good in this film. He says words I relate to as a man, like "We don't have time to learn a girl's name" and "I can't sleep without my futon" and I smile when I see him (not gay). I'm glad he's in the film. The main character though is this glasses kid. I dunno, he's okay I guess, but I couldn't relate to him until the end when he gets the girl because I struggle to relate to characters who aren't reaching out into our absurd universe trying to find a connection, any connection, with someone who can be there until our inevitable, quiet and meaningless deaths, not that that matters because we all die alone in the end and I'm glad this film reminded me about that because now I can focus on getting my dick wet instead of seeking genuine human connection. There are also women in this film and I think the film is really smart about it because it makes a joke about how poorly written women are in film and books, meaning that it can treat them like blonde flesh puppets for the entire film, the way we all know women should be treated, as cinema has taught us. There aren't actually many characters or actors in this film but that is a good thing because it allows for the film to feel really intimate. In the library, there's a guy with a neckbeard and ponytail sitting there and then in the next scene when Noah is talking about how women are trash (which I love. The message, not Noah because I'm not gay), BOOM there he is again! It's like hanging out with a very small group of friends, much better than something like Lawrence of Arabia where I don't recognise half the characters, even some of the white ones.
Importantly though, this film is produced, written and directed by a woman, which is great because it means it can't be criticised. Once, maybe twice a year, a sacrificial film has to be made by a woman so that Hollywood executives can go on creating a toxic work atmosphere again and Swiped is that film! The really important thing though is that this feels like a film anyone could have made. Yes, it was made by a woman but even someone stupider than a woman could have made this! The cinematography is like a YouTube video, the sound could have been done on a phone and the acting reminds me of my GCSE drama class, all of which is great! I hate watching something like Howl's Moving Castle and thinking "Well shit, how is anyone ever supposed to make something this good again?". Swiped lets me know that literally anyone could make a film of the same or higher quality level if they wanted, which is very inspiring. This film also has magical powers. At one point in this film, I was about an hour in, so I checked the runtime and it turned out I was only 15 minutes in. That's incredible! This film will extend your life on this planet we call Earth, this rock flying through space without purpose, without God, without hope, until eventually the universe collapses back in on itself and everything we have ever done will prove to have been worth less than nothing, so better get back to finding stuff to put your dick in, stuff that isn't guys butts, I'm not gay, women want to be treated badly, I'mnot gay, guys in speedos... Um, sorry about that, don't know what happened there. Feeling a little lightheaded actually, maybe we should wrap this up.
Swiped is on Netflix so you can watch it right now if you want, which you should because it is a film that is out and there's not much else on Netflix anyway. It does something that literally no other thing has ever done, which is show how technology affects our lives today in a way that makes you think "wow, I do use technology". It has cute guy, a woman made it so it has to be good and it will extend your life. What more do I have to say? Film good.
I don't know if you guys noticed this but people use their phones a lot, right? Like, hey teens, you wanna stop looking at that screen and engage the real world? It's something that I just don't feel that TV and Film have addressed properly but finally, Swiped is here to change that. It's the story of a kid who moves to college (very relatable because I am also in an American college) and then his roommate convinces him to start a hookup app with a difference. As I'm sure we all feel, the big problem with hookup apps is that there's just too much contact with the other person. No one (and I mean no one) wants to spend time with or money on the person they match with, literally every single person is just looking for a quick and easy hookup. What is interesting about this is that it shows that both men and women are trash because guys just want to bang
There are performances in this film. The reason you may have heard about this film is probably one of the leads, Noah Centineo. We all fell in love with him in To All the Boys I Loved Before (not me because I am hella straight, which is why I watched that film in bed with my gay homie) and he has made films since then. Like before, he still has the same face and that face is a cute face (again, not gay) so he is good in this film. He says words I relate to as a man, like "We don't have time to learn a girl's name" and "I can't sleep without my futon" and I smile when I see him (not gay). I'm glad he's in the film. The main character though is this glasses kid. I dunno, he's okay I guess, but I couldn't relate to him until the end when he gets the girl because I struggle to relate to characters who aren't reaching out into our absurd universe trying to find a connection, any connection, with someone who can be there until our inevitable, quiet and meaningless deaths, not that that matters because we all die alone in the end and I'm glad this film reminded me about that because now I can focus on getting my dick wet instead of seeking genuine human connection. There are also women in this film and I think the film is really smart about it because it makes a joke about how poorly written women are in film and books, meaning that it can treat them like blonde flesh puppets for the entire film, the way we all know women should be treated, as cinema has taught us. There aren't actually many characters or actors in this film but that is a good thing because it allows for the film to feel really intimate. In the library, there's a guy with a neckbeard and ponytail sitting there and then in the next scene when Noah is talking about how women are trash (which I love. The message, not Noah because I'm not gay), BOOM there he is again! It's like hanging out with a very small group of friends, much better than something like Lawrence of Arabia where I don't recognise half the characters, even some of the white ones.
Importantly though, this film is produced, written and directed by a woman, which is great because it means it can't be criticised. Once, maybe twice a year, a sacrificial film has to be made by a woman so that Hollywood executives can go on creating a toxic work atmosphere again and Swiped is that film! The really important thing though is that this feels like a film anyone could have made. Yes, it was made by a woman but even someone stupider than a woman could have made this! The cinematography is like a YouTube video, the sound could have been done on a phone and the acting reminds me of my GCSE drama class, all of which is great! I hate watching something like Howl's Moving Castle and thinking "Well shit, how is anyone ever supposed to make something this good again?". Swiped lets me know that literally anyone could make a film of the same or higher quality level if they wanted, which is very inspiring. This film also has magical powers. At one point in this film, I was about an hour in, so I checked the runtime and it turned out I was only 15 minutes in. That's incredible! This film will extend your life on this planet we call Earth, this rock flying through space without purpose, without God, without hope, until eventually the universe collapses back in on itself and everything we have ever done will prove to have been worth less than nothing, so better get back to finding stuff to put your dick in, stuff that isn't guys butts, I'm not gay, women want to be treated badly, I'm
Swiped is on Netflix so you can watch it right now if you want, which you should because it is a film that is out and there's not much else on Netflix anyway. It does something that literally no other thing has ever done, which is show how technology affects our lives today in a way that makes you think "wow, I do use technology". It has cute guy, a woman made it so it has to be good and it will extend your life. What more do I have to say? Film good.
Comments
Post a Comment