Review - The Meg

The Meg is probably exactly what you're thinking it is so if you have zero interest in the film, now is probably the time to jump out. For those of you who think this film looks amazing however, you're in the right place as The Meg is probably one of the best cinema experiences I've had in a damn long time. That sounds like a joke and I'll get into why it isn't later but seriously, the film is its own kind of genius. The plot, however, does not quite fall into that category. A submarine goes missing under the Marianas Trench (don't ask) and there's only one man for the job: [Jason Statham's character name here]. Unfortunately by going there, the crew trigger the release of a giant shark or rather: a Megaladon. If that giant shark isn't eliminated before it reaches the shore of some East Asian country, it'll each a bunch of people, which would be far too entertaining. The film has a couple of twists lined up but if you don't see them coming, you could be an idiot. If you are an idiot though, you'll love The Meg, even if its plot is just a vehicle for stupid action.

Performance wise, the film is... Well, you're not in this film for the performances, are you? That's becoming a big trend with my reviews now that I think about it but still, people are technically in this film and that means I have to talk about them. Chinese actress Bingbing Li is in this film purely because the film is half funded by China and she is fine I guess. It can be hard to tell how good actors are when their native language isn't English but she certainly isn't a detriment to the film. Rainn Wilson plays a corporate type guy and is having a solid time clearly but he isn't particularly great. There's also Ruby Rose as hacker lady who, again, is totally fine and very much forgettable. There's only one real star though and that's of course Jason Statham. He's okay as an action star or the lead of a movie but he is excellent at the delivery of punchlines. Hell, his delivery of "It's a Megaladon" has already become the perfect meme. So no, not amazing performances but that's not what you're here for.

What you're here for is the film where a giant shark eats people and in that area, the film finally starts to deliver, in how genuinely bad it is. I'll set the scene for why I'm so enthusiastic about how bad it is though, as like Skyscraper, it was a film enjoyed with bois and plenty of booze, both before and during the film. It's the kind of film where a Taiwanese cover of the Tony Basil song "Hey Mickey" plays with no warning. It's the kind of film where it's acceptable to watch a guy get eaten by a shark and say (maybe a little too loudly) "Nice". It's also the kind of film that has the goddamn balls to end with the words "Fin" written across the screen. Believe it or not, this is pretty much exactly the kind of film it advertised itself as, a 150 million dollar SYFY movie, in the very same vein as Sharknado, or Mega Shark vs Giant Octopus and I'll be damned if that doesn't deserve some kind of congratulations. Because no, it isn't a good film but it commits to being a bad film and if you can't be great, why not be awful?

I think I love this film and I have no good reason to. It is a film made badly, in just about every way, but it is lovably so. Genuinely, we're looking at a future classic in "so-bad-it's-good" and the fact I paid money for that doesn't bother me at all. The next Citizen Kane? Maybe not but it's a delight, a bad one that regardless, I still have to give a