Double Review Craptacular- Battle for the Planet of the Apes and Planet of the Apes (2001)
The last ones weren't exactly masterpieces but this really is the bottom of the barrel here, the two worst films in this franchise that was spotty in quality to begin with. First, the movie ten years after the original that somehow manages to have worse effects and be far less enjoyable.
Battle for the Planet of the Apes decides to set the events years after the last film and therefore taking away all momentum that it could have gained from that film. The plot is barely there but essentially, it's what the original film would be if humans could talk, mixed with the mutants from Beneath. I think the main ape is Caesar from the last film although so much seems to have happened since then (a bomb exploding in the nearby city, humans becoming second tier creatures) that it might not be. Anyway, he heads to a city to look for information about Zira and Cornelius because the other films have to be dragged through the dirt too. Oh yeah, that reminds me, it opens with five minutes of footage from the last two films. Or maybe three. I don't know anymore. Anyway, some apes want to fight the humans so they kill Caesar's son but get found out and are killed by treetop duel, something that is not as cool as it sounds. It ends with a flash forward to 200 years in the future where apes and humans get along and worship Caesar, the end. Talk about ending with a whimper, not a bang.
Acting seems pretty pointless to talk about here. Roddy McDowall is here, yet again, doing his best to make a man in a rubber ape mask not seem absurd. He does a fine job and the man is clearly getting paid for his work but after six years and five movies, the tiredness shows. Also back is Natalie Trundy who manages to blend in so well again that I have nothing to say on her performance. There are no other notable performances in the film although there is one moment of acting that I want to talk about. It's a magical moment that has become a running joke between me and my brother since the very moment we witnessed it. When Caesar's son dies, his dying words to his father are "Father, shall I be malformed?". It's a callback to an earlier moment but it is the delivery that is key. See, the original film has plenty of lines that should be absurd but are delivered well enough that it all works. This line is both poorly written and poorly delivered which means it transcends... just about everything really.
I've criticised some of the films before for being too heavy handed or having awful special effects but it was never both at once. Battle does both though and that is admirable. Sorry, I meant it would be admirable if it wasn't shit. The painted backgrounds are easily the worst of the entire franchise and the conflict between humans and apes is more forced than it has ever been. The weird thing is, on rewatching the film, it becomes clear that this plot was actually picked up and reused by Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, possibly the best film in the franchise. What that confusing revelation reveals is that the plot isn't actually awful, just the execution. There's also a very heavy handed discussion about Caesar's name and Roman politics in general. The name is enough commentary, people either get it or don't, that's fine. The most recent film did that perfectly (read my review on Tuesday for more) but here, not only do they name a character after the Roman poet Virgil, one of the characters also lectures Caesar on "Do you know where your name comes from?". It's insulting and would be, even for people who don't know the origins of the name.
When you watch this film, you will be amazed and astounded that it can go so downhill from the last films and then you will be even more amazed that it's not actually the worst of the franchise. The shlocky charm of the originals is still present and that will be just about the only thing that keeps you on board. It's not totally awful but it isn't good either, which is why I'm giving it a
And now for the worst one. Possibly the worst remake Tim Burton has ever made and I don't say that lightly.
Now, this is kind of a remake in that it has a somewhat similar story arc with an astronaut accidentally travelling to earth in the future, overrun by apes, which he has to escape from despite being enslaved. Other than the basic frame though, it's almost entirely different to the original. Mark Whalberg is training chimpanzees in space, not on an exploration mission and his escape from the apes happens much earlier in the film. The film ends with a big old battle in the ruins of Mark Whalberg's spaceship from the past in which they are all saved by that chimpanzee he was training at the start of the film. It doesn't make any sense but it does make more sense than the absurd twist ending. Mark Whalberg heads back home through the black hole or whatever it was except when he gets back, Earth has become a Planet of Apes, Marky Mark stumbling upon a statue of Aperaham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. It's a moment that summarises exactly what's wrong with this film.
I actually have stuff to talk about with acting for this film because everyone is awful in it! Star of the shit show is Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg who I believe is a wonderful comedic actor, although he often doesn't deliberately play the comedy. Here, he has that familiar angry shock face pretty much constantly, except when kissing ape Helena Bonham-Carter. Speaking of, it's a Tim Burton film so Helena Bonham-Carter pops in and while she probably does the best job of everyone here (she was at her prime, just coming off Fight Club), she isn't great. The rest of the cast are pretty poor also, Paul Giamati being overly creepy, Michael Clarke-Duncan is just gruff and poor Charlton Heston gets dragged back in for a cameo. There are two highlights though. One is that Big Mike from Chuck makes a minor cameo and any reminder of Chuck always makes me smile. The second standout is Tim Roth who is stunningly awful in his role. He plays a general who appears to constantly be angry and he makes a role that should be menacing absolutely hysterical. Tim Roth is usually great so this inconsistency feels weird but when it's as funny as it is, I won't complain too much.
There's still so much bad stuff to talk about. The effects aren't great but part of that can just be put down to aging poorly, although it doesn't excuse the weird wire based fights. I suppose it's because the film came the year after Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I haven't seen that film but I hear it does wire fights well. Planet of the Apes does not do it well. Yet again, it leads to utter hilarity, Tim Roth getting the single best scene of the film, in which his character jumps all over the scene. Moving away from that though, the film feels jarring compared to the much lighter tones of the other films. Even coming straight off Battle, it feels oppressively dark for no good reason. Darkness isn't a problem, not even in this franchise, as the most recent films can often have very dark moods. The odd part is that the film seems aware of that and tries to lighten it up with very awkward humour. For example, the chase scene has both a bunch of teenage apes smoking a bong and an older ape soliciting a prostitute. It would feel weird without the tone the film has already set up but with the tone, it's pretty awful.
I would not recommend this movie in any aspect. It isn't totally irredeemable as there are some alright elements but it's largely weak. Don't watch it if you're a Planet of the Apes fan, don't watch it if you're a Tim Burton fan, don't even watch it if you want a bad movie to laugh at. I am very ready to move onto the newer films but for this film, I leave it with a rating of a
Battle for the Planet of the Apes decides to set the events years after the last film and therefore taking away all momentum that it could have gained from that film. The plot is barely there but essentially, it's what the original film would be if humans could talk, mixed with the mutants from Beneath. I think the main ape is Caesar from the last film although so much seems to have happened since then (a bomb exploding in the nearby city, humans becoming second tier creatures) that it might not be. Anyway, he heads to a city to look for information about Zira and Cornelius because the other films have to be dragged through the dirt too. Oh yeah, that reminds me, it opens with five minutes of footage from the last two films. Or maybe three. I don't know anymore. Anyway, some apes want to fight the humans so they kill Caesar's son but get found out and are killed by treetop duel, something that is not as cool as it sounds. It ends with a flash forward to 200 years in the future where apes and humans get along and worship Caesar, the end. Talk about ending with a whimper, not a bang.
Acting seems pretty pointless to talk about here. Roddy McDowall is here, yet again, doing his best to make a man in a rubber ape mask not seem absurd. He does a fine job and the man is clearly getting paid for his work but after six years and five movies, the tiredness shows. Also back is Natalie Trundy who manages to blend in so well again that I have nothing to say on her performance. There are no other notable performances in the film although there is one moment of acting that I want to talk about. It's a magical moment that has become a running joke between me and my brother since the very moment we witnessed it. When Caesar's son dies, his dying words to his father are "Father, shall I be malformed?". It's a callback to an earlier moment but it is the delivery that is key. See, the original film has plenty of lines that should be absurd but are delivered well enough that it all works. This line is both poorly written and poorly delivered which means it transcends... just about everything really.
I've criticised some of the films before for being too heavy handed or having awful special effects but it was never both at once. Battle does both though and that is admirable. Sorry, I meant it would be admirable if it wasn't shit. The painted backgrounds are easily the worst of the entire franchise and the conflict between humans and apes is more forced than it has ever been. The weird thing is, on rewatching the film, it becomes clear that this plot was actually picked up and reused by Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, possibly the best film in the franchise. What that confusing revelation reveals is that the plot isn't actually awful, just the execution. There's also a very heavy handed discussion about Caesar's name and Roman politics in general. The name is enough commentary, people either get it or don't, that's fine. The most recent film did that perfectly (read my review on Tuesday for more) but here, not only do they name a character after the Roman poet Virgil, one of the characters also lectures Caesar on "Do you know where your name comes from?". It's insulting and would be, even for people who don't know the origins of the name.
When you watch this film, you will be amazed and astounded that it can go so downhill from the last films and then you will be even more amazed that it's not actually the worst of the franchise. The shlocky charm of the originals is still present and that will be just about the only thing that keeps you on board. It's not totally awful but it isn't good either, which is why I'm giving it a
And now for the worst one. Possibly the worst remake Tim Burton has ever made and I don't say that lightly.
Now, this is kind of a remake in that it has a somewhat similar story arc with an astronaut accidentally travelling to earth in the future, overrun by apes, which he has to escape from despite being enslaved. Other than the basic frame though, it's almost entirely different to the original. Mark Whalberg is training chimpanzees in space, not on an exploration mission and his escape from the apes happens much earlier in the film. The film ends with a big old battle in the ruins of Mark Whalberg's spaceship from the past in which they are all saved by that chimpanzee he was training at the start of the film. It doesn't make any sense but it does make more sense than the absurd twist ending. Mark Whalberg heads back home through the black hole or whatever it was except when he gets back, Earth has become a Planet of Apes, Marky Mark stumbling upon a statue of Aperaham Lincoln at the Lincoln Memorial. It's a moment that summarises exactly what's wrong with this film.
I actually have stuff to talk about with acting for this film because everyone is awful in it! Star of the shit show is Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg who I believe is a wonderful comedic actor, although he often doesn't deliberately play the comedy. Here, he has that familiar angry shock face pretty much constantly, except when kissing ape Helena Bonham-Carter. Speaking of, it's a Tim Burton film so Helena Bonham-Carter pops in and while she probably does the best job of everyone here (she was at her prime, just coming off Fight Club), she isn't great. The rest of the cast are pretty poor also, Paul Giamati being overly creepy, Michael Clarke-Duncan is just gruff and poor Charlton Heston gets dragged back in for a cameo. There are two highlights though. One is that Big Mike from Chuck makes a minor cameo and any reminder of Chuck always makes me smile. The second standout is Tim Roth who is stunningly awful in his role. He plays a general who appears to constantly be angry and he makes a role that should be menacing absolutely hysterical. Tim Roth is usually great so this inconsistency feels weird but when it's as funny as it is, I won't complain too much.
There's still so much bad stuff to talk about. The effects aren't great but part of that can just be put down to aging poorly, although it doesn't excuse the weird wire based fights. I suppose it's because the film came the year after Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon. I haven't seen that film but I hear it does wire fights well. Planet of the Apes does not do it well. Yet again, it leads to utter hilarity, Tim Roth getting the single best scene of the film, in which his character jumps all over the scene. Moving away from that though, the film feels jarring compared to the much lighter tones of the other films. Even coming straight off Battle, it feels oppressively dark for no good reason. Darkness isn't a problem, not even in this franchise, as the most recent films can often have very dark moods. The odd part is that the film seems aware of that and tries to lighten it up with very awkward humour. For example, the chase scene has both a bunch of teenage apes smoking a bong and an older ape soliciting a prostitute. It would feel weird without the tone the film has already set up but with the tone, it's pretty awful.
I would not recommend this movie in any aspect. It isn't totally irredeemable as there are some alright elements but it's largely weak. Don't watch it if you're a Planet of the Apes fan, don't watch it if you're a Tim Burton fan, don't even watch it if you want a bad movie to laugh at. I am very ready to move onto the newer films but for this film, I leave it with a rating of a
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