Review- The Mummy
Uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuurgh
The Mummy is surely the blockbuster event of the year, one so beloved and adored already that I know I can talk spoilers because who hasn't seen this masterpiece already? Tom Cruise heads to Somewhere, The Middle East in order to get some shit he can steal and sell. However, he is unable to do so when some lady he had sex with before the film says that "they" need to take this. Before "they" are able to get it back to England though, a curse happens and Tom Cruise dies in the plane. Thing is, he's not dead, he's a slave to The Mummy who wants to bang him and make him God of Death/Gerard Butler's character from Gods of Egypt. Russel Crowe decides to help by expositioning at him. Oh, forgot to mention, Russel is playing Dr Jekyl (with an odd British accent) and Mr Hyde (with a laughably preposterous British accent). Anyway, Tom becomes Death, doesn't quite kill The Mummy because she may come in handy in a later film and sets off across the dessert to find whoever the next Monster is. If that doesn't feel like an ending, that's because it isn't, it's a brand new start to the most anticipated expanded universe in years, the Dark Universe. Buckle up boys and girls, if they follow DC's trajectory it's going to get real bad real soon.
No one can act in this movie. That isn't to say that none of the actors are good, they've just all done much better work elsewhere. Tom Cruise is the man on the poster because he makes money but he just isn't very good here. He tries to play a character arc where he starts as an asshole but redeems himself but it's never believable at all. There is also a buddy for Tom Cruise to hang out with, played by Jake Johnson. He is the annoying comedy sidekick and you will wish for him to die quickly. Shockingly, he does but he keeps coming back in hallucinations which really pissed me off. Tom Cruise's lady friend makes steps for female characters by sleeping with the man before the film and then hating him, something that you know means that she will be in love with him by the end of the film. She is also British which means she sounds smart because her accent is British because she's British. Did I mention that she was British? Russel Crowe also turns up and is hammy, with a character that makes little sense. Still, it will be fleshed out later in the extended universe which is nice. Finally, you have Sofia Boutella as The Mummy. She is largely dull, a shame as she's impressed in Kingsman and Star Trek: Beyond previously and looks to impress again in Atomic Blonde.
So if the acting is bad and the story (when it's there) makes no sense, the action holds the movie up, right? Well, the action is certainly the best bit but it's very bad. It makes the kind of mistakes that I thought films had moved away from but it just hasn't. Films like Mad Max: Fury Road, John Wick and Wonder Woman last week (which I regret ever saying a bad thing about after this) have all shown that practical action scenes look amazing and resonate great with audiences and to the credit of the film, the airplane crash scene was really filmed in low gravity on a plane and looks pretty great. After that, the film goes for X-Men Apocalpyse-esque action where every action scene is a big CGI swarm of something that WILL MEAN THE LITERAL END OF THE WORLD, OMG!!! It's pretty ironic that they decided to change the design of the Mummy because of how Apocalypse looked in that movie but still ended up in the shadow of that. Hell, the Mummy looks like Enchantress from Suicide Squad and is even worse than that.
Do not watch this film. It isn't entertaining, it isn't even so bad it's good. The Mummy manages to commit the most monstrous sin of all: being boring. The airplane scene is the closest thing to redemption here but when it's in the trailer, the film becomes impossible to recommend. I think it may actually be the worst film I've seen all year so I'm going to give it a
The Mummy is surely the blockbuster event of the year, one so beloved and adored already that I know I can talk spoilers because who hasn't seen this masterpiece already? Tom Cruise heads to Somewhere, The Middle East in order to get some shit he can steal and sell. However, he is unable to do so when some lady he had sex with before the film says that "they" need to take this. Before "they" are able to get it back to England though, a curse happens and Tom Cruise dies in the plane. Thing is, he's not dead, he's a slave to The Mummy who wants to bang him and make him God of Death/Gerard Butler's character from Gods of Egypt. Russel Crowe decides to help by expositioning at him. Oh, forgot to mention, Russel is playing Dr Jekyl (with an odd British accent) and Mr Hyde (with a laughably preposterous British accent). Anyway, Tom becomes Death, doesn't quite kill The Mummy because she may come in handy in a later film and sets off across the dessert to find whoever the next Monster is. If that doesn't feel like an ending, that's because it isn't, it's a brand new start to the most anticipated expanded universe in years, the Dark Universe. Buckle up boys and girls, if they follow DC's trajectory it's going to get real bad real soon.
No one can act in this movie. That isn't to say that none of the actors are good, they've just all done much better work elsewhere. Tom Cruise is the man on the poster because he makes money but he just isn't very good here. He tries to play a character arc where he starts as an asshole but redeems himself but it's never believable at all. There is also a buddy for Tom Cruise to hang out with, played by Jake Johnson. He is the annoying comedy sidekick and you will wish for him to die quickly. Shockingly, he does but he keeps coming back in hallucinations which really pissed me off. Tom Cruise's lady friend makes steps for female characters by sleeping with the man before the film and then hating him, something that you know means that she will be in love with him by the end of the film. She is also British which means she sounds smart because her accent is British because she's British. Did I mention that she was British? Russel Crowe also turns up and is hammy, with a character that makes little sense. Still, it will be fleshed out later in the extended universe which is nice. Finally, you have Sofia Boutella as The Mummy. She is largely dull, a shame as she's impressed in Kingsman and Star Trek: Beyond previously and looks to impress again in Atomic Blonde.
So if the acting is bad and the story (when it's there) makes no sense, the action holds the movie up, right? Well, the action is certainly the best bit but it's very bad. It makes the kind of mistakes that I thought films had moved away from but it just hasn't. Films like Mad Max: Fury Road, John Wick and Wonder Woman last week (which I regret ever saying a bad thing about after this) have all shown that practical action scenes look amazing and resonate great with audiences and to the credit of the film, the airplane crash scene was really filmed in low gravity on a plane and looks pretty great. After that, the film goes for X-Men Apocalpyse-esque action where every action scene is a big CGI swarm of something that WILL MEAN THE LITERAL END OF THE WORLD, OMG!!! It's pretty ironic that they decided to change the design of the Mummy because of how Apocalypse looked in that movie but still ended up in the shadow of that. Hell, the Mummy looks like Enchantress from Suicide Squad and is even worse than that.
Do not watch this film. It isn't entertaining, it isn't even so bad it's good. The Mummy manages to commit the most monstrous sin of all: being boring. The airplane scene is the closest thing to redemption here but when it's in the trailer, the film becomes impossible to recommend. I think it may actually be the worst film I've seen all year so I'm going to give it a
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