Top 7- Stupidest Looking Movies of 2017
Power Rangers comes out in two weeks and I am unreasonably excited about it. Much as I am looking forward to it though, it is impossible to doubt that it looks insanely stupid. In that spirit (and ignoring Power Rangers for now) I wanted to "celebrate" all the films this year that look very, very stupid. Some of these look kind of good, some might surprise but they all look ridiculous.
7. Going in Style
A film directed by the main guy from Scrubs starring Micheal Caine and Morgan Freeman. Already, it sounds odd and truth be told, there's not much that makes this film massively stupid, hence the place on the list. There are some really stupid parts to it though, namely the premise. Three old men live together but lose their pensions (so far so normal) and decide to earn money by robbing the bank who are in charge of said pensions. Yeah, very stupid. The most ridiculous moment though is easily from the trailer where Morgan Freeman chases Micheal Caine on a mobility scooter. Stupid but in a good way I hope.
6. The Mummy
Do you guys remember Brendan Fraser? Hollywood doesn't or at least doesn't want to, hence rebooting this... Um, beloved franchise? Anyway, now Tom Cruise is in it so that's great. The trailer is one of two halves and it may be the first that is the stupidest. Bats swarm the plane, it starts to crash but valiant hero Tom has enough time to lob a parachute onto the scientist with boobs, chuck her out the plane and then plummet to his death. This is just the first half of the trailer. Tom wakes up in a mortuary, pushing his way out of a body bag and then you realise I lied when I said this is the stupidest half. Russel Crowe turns up and is probably evil, the chick from Star Trek: Beyond is The Mummy (?) and then she destroys the Louvre I think. We are still on the amusingly bad looking side of silly now but that changes with our next entry.
5. Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Salazar's Revenge
I understand that, having seen only the third and fourth Pirates films, I'm not really in much of a place to criticise them but honestly, I just do not like Johnny Depp and any chance to tear his films down is a chance I will take. For a franchise many people thought was a stretch at three films comes the fifth one, complete with basically everything from the last ones, including a disappointing pulling down of a great actor to B movie villain level, this time with Javier Bardem. The first trailer showed of poor switching between tones and the second one showed blatant objectification of a young girl in a way that is meant to be humourous. Depp isn't a bad actor, he's just a lazy one who returns to his role that requires the least effort for the biggest paycheck with the lowest audience enjoyment. Also Javier Bardem's hair looks like a bad version of Amy Adam's hair from that bit in Arrival but for the entire film.
4. Transformers 5: The Last Knight
I don't need anymore reasons to talk about how bad Transformers is but Michael Bay gives us yet more reasons. Ignoring the technical aspects of the film that promise ridiculous action, more of Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg being an inventor and an inexplicable changing between eight different aspect ratios, there is still plenty to be stupid. Anthony Hopkins has been dragged into this in a further attempt to ruin the good names of every respectable actor (first Tutorro, then Tucci, now this!) and I honestly think he might just be here because his voice makes for good monologues. The single stupidest part though is the insistence on travelling between different time periods. Not only is Bay expanding on the idea that Transformers were around in the prehistoric ages from the last film but we are also getting Transformers working with Nazis. Yup, not a joke. Even if this film isn't stupid, it'll probably be fairly insensitive.
3. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
A medieval epic from the director of Snatch and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. starring the guy from Pacific Rim. If you can't see the stupidity already then you will probably enjoy this film but I think it'll be difficult for those who aren't criminally insane. See, Guy Ritchie has (or at least had) a very distinctive style of noticeable cuts, flashbacks from different perspectives and upbeat, energetic music powering the film and that is great, except it thrives on modernity. The problem here is that medieval fantasy is not modernity. I'm not sure if the producers expect a vibe similar to 300 but with cold and greyness but if that is what they want, we are in for a movie with a lot of insecurity about what it wants to be that will have far too many slow motion sword fights.
2. The Boss Baby
Alec Baldwin has been killing it on SNL recently and executives clearly want to utilise that star power by putting him in a comedy where he can really flex his comedic muscles. That's why his next role is as a baby who is the boss of a... No, wait, that can't be right. Hang on...
Okay, he really is a business man, trying to stop "the dastardly plot of the CEO of Puppy Co.", whatever that means. He is aided by his brother who seems to hate him but they come together because the movie has to happen. I feel like this is going to be the same level of humiliation as the actors in Nine Lives had to face (see Christopher Walken saying "poopy box") but without the so bad it's good movie behind it. So to clarify, this will probably be a bad version of Nine Lives. Good stuff.
1. The Emoji Movie
If you didn't see this one coming then you probably hadn't heard of the film and I'm sorry that I was the one who had to tell you about it. We don't have a plot for it yet but seriously, let's just think about what an insane concept it is. These pictures which different people attach different meanings to are going to go on an adventure to do a thing. Apparently different apps have been courted for appearances, with an adventure across the streaming rapids of Spotify apparently on the cards. This film is already humiliating to the actors on a level that The Boss Baby is impressed with, chief offender being casting prestigious and beloved actor Sir Patrick Stewart as shit emoji. I don't want to talk about this film anymore because it just depresses me so much that we made it to this point. The only thing that would redeem the movie is if it absolutely tanks at the box office. Then, and only then, would I be satisfied.
7. Going in Style
A film directed by the main guy from Scrubs starring Micheal Caine and Morgan Freeman. Already, it sounds odd and truth be told, there's not much that makes this film massively stupid, hence the place on the list. There are some really stupid parts to it though, namely the premise. Three old men live together but lose their pensions (so far so normal) and decide to earn money by robbing the bank who are in charge of said pensions. Yeah, very stupid. The most ridiculous moment though is easily from the trailer where Morgan Freeman chases Micheal Caine on a mobility scooter. Stupid but in a good way I hope.
6. The Mummy
Do you guys remember Brendan Fraser? Hollywood doesn't or at least doesn't want to, hence rebooting this... Um, beloved franchise? Anyway, now Tom Cruise is in it so that's great. The trailer is one of two halves and it may be the first that is the stupidest. Bats swarm the plane, it starts to crash but valiant hero Tom has enough time to lob a parachute onto the scientist with boobs, chuck her out the plane and then plummet to his death. This is just the first half of the trailer. Tom wakes up in a mortuary, pushing his way out of a body bag and then you realise I lied when I said this is the stupidest half. Russel Crowe turns up and is probably evil, the chick from Star Trek: Beyond is The Mummy (?) and then she destroys the Louvre I think. We are still on the amusingly bad looking side of silly now but that changes with our next entry.
5. Pirates of the Caribbean 5: Salazar's Revenge
I understand that, having seen only the third and fourth Pirates films, I'm not really in much of a place to criticise them but honestly, I just do not like Johnny Depp and any chance to tear his films down is a chance I will take. For a franchise many people thought was a stretch at three films comes the fifth one, complete with basically everything from the last ones, including a disappointing pulling down of a great actor to B movie villain level, this time with Javier Bardem. The first trailer showed of poor switching between tones and the second one showed blatant objectification of a young girl in a way that is meant to be humourous. Depp isn't a bad actor, he's just a lazy one who returns to his role that requires the least effort for the biggest paycheck with the lowest audience enjoyment. Also Javier Bardem's hair looks like a bad version of Amy Adam's hair from that bit in Arrival but for the entire film.
4. Transformers 5: The Last Knight
I don't need anymore reasons to talk about how bad Transformers is but Michael Bay gives us yet more reasons. Ignoring the technical aspects of the film that promise ridiculous action, more of Mark "Marky Mark" Whalberg being an inventor and an inexplicable changing between eight different aspect ratios, there is still plenty to be stupid. Anthony Hopkins has been dragged into this in a further attempt to ruin the good names of every respectable actor (first Tutorro, then Tucci, now this!) and I honestly think he might just be here because his voice makes for good monologues. The single stupidest part though is the insistence on travelling between different time periods. Not only is Bay expanding on the idea that Transformers were around in the prehistoric ages from the last film but we are also getting Transformers working with Nazis. Yup, not a joke. Even if this film isn't stupid, it'll probably be fairly insensitive.
3. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
A medieval epic from the director of Snatch and The Man from U.N.C.L.E. starring the guy from Pacific Rim. If you can't see the stupidity already then you will probably enjoy this film but I think it'll be difficult for those who aren't criminally insane. See, Guy Ritchie has (or at least had) a very distinctive style of noticeable cuts, flashbacks from different perspectives and upbeat, energetic music powering the film and that is great, except it thrives on modernity. The problem here is that medieval fantasy is not modernity. I'm not sure if the producers expect a vibe similar to 300 but with cold and greyness but if that is what they want, we are in for a movie with a lot of insecurity about what it wants to be that will have far too many slow motion sword fights.
2. The Boss Baby
Alec Baldwin has been killing it on SNL recently and executives clearly want to utilise that star power by putting him in a comedy where he can really flex his comedic muscles. That's why his next role is as a baby who is the boss of a... No, wait, that can't be right. Hang on...
Okay, he really is a business man, trying to stop "the dastardly plot of the CEO of Puppy Co.", whatever that means. He is aided by his brother who seems to hate him but they come together because the movie has to happen. I feel like this is going to be the same level of humiliation as the actors in Nine Lives had to face (see Christopher Walken saying "poopy box") but without the so bad it's good movie behind it. So to clarify, this will probably be a bad version of Nine Lives. Good stuff.
1. The Emoji Movie
If you didn't see this one coming then you probably hadn't heard of the film and I'm sorry that I was the one who had to tell you about it. We don't have a plot for it yet but seriously, let's just think about what an insane concept it is. These pictures which different people attach different meanings to are going to go on an adventure to do a thing. Apparently different apps have been courted for appearances, with an adventure across the streaming rapids of Spotify apparently on the cards. This film is already humiliating to the actors on a level that The Boss Baby is impressed with, chief offender being casting prestigious and beloved actor Sir Patrick Stewart as shit emoji. I don't want to talk about this film anymore because it just depresses me so much that we made it to this point. The only thing that would redeem the movie is if it absolutely tanks at the box office. Then, and only then, would I be satisfied.
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