Review- Nine Lives
I wanted to talk about The Little Prince this week but then this film happened and I hate everything.
Nine Lives is a film in which Kevin Spacey is turned into a cat called Mr Fuzzypants by Christopher Walken. I don't want to explain it anymore than that because it gives the film too much credit but I have space to fill so here goes. Kevin Spacey is a Horrible Boss and neglects his family. He decides to get a cat for his daughter and while getting the cat, Christopher Walken says he'll do something bad if Spacey doesn't change his ways. He doesn't, gets in an accident and then becomes a cat. He has to try and find a way to get back into his comatose body before it dies, all while being a cat. It makes less sense on screen than it does here and that's saying a lot.
In a film with Kevin Spacey, you expect acting to be top tier. I mean, House of Cards is some of his best work in a lengthy career, the man is at the top of his game! This film does not reflect that. Whether in cat or human form, Spacey's performance is awful at best and at worst, he's voice acting a cat. The rest of the cast are worse. Jennifer Garner sleepwalks through every scene, Spacey's son is the most generic white guy alive and every kid in this movie feels like their words were written by a 60 year old who saw a glimpse of their granddaughter's phone that one time. The best character in the film is Spacey's alcoholic ex-wife who spends the whole film drinking Martinis while bitching about her husband who, to clarify, is still in a coma. Basically, even the cast members who have never made another film and will now never makes another film feel like they deserve better.
It's hard to even know how what to focus on here. I could talk about the awful editing, the strange pace or the painful script that shits on every single scene. Instead, I think I'll talk about the CGI. Being a family film (but also a family film that deals with suicide, alcoholism and infidelity), there are many slapstick elements and sadly, the RSPCA are pussies (pun intended) and we can't actually chuck cats off buildings and onto alcoholic ex-wives so CG takes the place of real cats for about half the film. Unfortunately, the entire budget for the film seems to have gone on the cast and therefore next to nothing was left for the screen writers and actually nothing left for the CG budget. It leads to a cat that moves in some of the strangest ways any CG creature has moved in the history of film, even in an age of era defining quality in computer generated effects.
Nine Lives is one of the worst films I've ever seen in a cinema but in some strange, perverse way, it's also a masterpiece. No exaggeration, I think this film will, and frankly should, become a cult classic of hysterical awfulness on the levels of The Room or Birdemic. I saw this film with two of my friends and it was a wonderful time. Seriously, I recommend you go see this with your mates, it's an amazing time and I would love to see the confusion that hits cinemas and their employees as ticket sales for Nine Lives went through the roof and a sequel flies into development, creating everyone's favourite blockbuster franchise, after Ben Hur of course. But in all seriousness, this is an awful film and that's why morally, I can't give it anything higher than the lowest of the low, a
Nine Lives is a film in which Kevin Spacey is turned into a cat called Mr Fuzzypants by Christopher Walken. I don't want to explain it anymore than that because it gives the film too much credit but I have space to fill so here goes. Kevin Spacey is a Horrible Boss and neglects his family. He decides to get a cat for his daughter and while getting the cat, Christopher Walken says he'll do something bad if Spacey doesn't change his ways. He doesn't, gets in an accident and then becomes a cat. He has to try and find a way to get back into his comatose body before it dies, all while being a cat. It makes less sense on screen than it does here and that's saying a lot.
In a film with Kevin Spacey, you expect acting to be top tier. I mean, House of Cards is some of his best work in a lengthy career, the man is at the top of his game! This film does not reflect that. Whether in cat or human form, Spacey's performance is awful at best and at worst, he's voice acting a cat. The rest of the cast are worse. Jennifer Garner sleepwalks through every scene, Spacey's son is the most generic white guy alive and every kid in this movie feels like their words were written by a 60 year old who saw a glimpse of their granddaughter's phone that one time. The best character in the film is Spacey's alcoholic ex-wife who spends the whole film drinking Martinis while bitching about her husband who, to clarify, is still in a coma. Basically, even the cast members who have never made another film and will now never makes another film feel like they deserve better.
It's hard to even know how what to focus on here. I could talk about the awful editing, the strange pace or the painful script that shits on every single scene. Instead, I think I'll talk about the CGI. Being a family film (but also a family film that deals with suicide, alcoholism and infidelity), there are many slapstick elements and sadly, the RSPCA are pussies (pun intended) and we can't actually chuck cats off buildings and onto alcoholic ex-wives so CG takes the place of real cats for about half the film. Unfortunately, the entire budget for the film seems to have gone on the cast and therefore next to nothing was left for the screen writers and actually nothing left for the CG budget. It leads to a cat that moves in some of the strangest ways any CG creature has moved in the history of film, even in an age of era defining quality in computer generated effects.
Nine Lives is one of the worst films I've ever seen in a cinema but in some strange, perverse way, it's also a masterpiece. No exaggeration, I think this film will, and frankly should, become a cult classic of hysterical awfulness on the levels of The Room or Birdemic. I saw this film with two of my friends and it was a wonderful time. Seriously, I recommend you go see this with your mates, it's an amazing time and I would love to see the confusion that hits cinemas and their employees as ticket sales for Nine Lives went through the roof and a sequel flies into development, creating everyone's favourite blockbuster franchise, after Ben Hur of course. But in all seriousness, this is an awful film and that's why morally, I can't give it anything higher than the lowest of the low, a
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