Double Review Craptacular- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows and Gods of Egypt
Look, I usually try to be impartial with my reviews and remain open minded until I've seen the film but let's face it, these are not going to be good. The real question I want to answer here is how bad will they both be? First up, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows (or TMNT 2 as I'll call it for the sake of not breaking my fingers typing) is the follow up to the last reboot of the Turtles franchise and while still not directed by Michael Bay, it certainly has his sticky Producer fingertips all over it. The story seems to follow on from the last one (I was blessed to miss it) with the turtles being the unknown heroes of Manhattan. They live underground but their peace is disturbed by Shredder being bust out of prison by his gang of ninjas who aren't turtles. This leads to the Turtles having to contend with Shredder, his new anthropomorphic Rhino and Warthog buddies Bebop and Rocksteady and the evil alien in a robot suit, Krang. Meanwhile, Megan Fox is busy being hot when she meets Casey Jones, a guy who likes hockey and being good at hockey. If the plot sounds messy, that's because it is.
The acting is barely worth mentioning here. The turtles are portrayed as dumb, broad steroetypes with there being the meathead, the nerd, the leader and the one you want to punch in the face. They are all as awful and having them as main characters is a mistake because I hated them and myself very quickly. Will Arnett is back (apparently) as a character who is unlikable but not in the hysterical way that Gob from Arrested Development is. The hot guy from Arrow is Casey Jones and I wasn't exaggerating when I said all he cares about is hockey. There's a bit where he tries to get back in the police force after being kicked out and then he's number one hockey fan again. Bebop and Rocksteady are possibly the two worst characters in the film. They are loud, obnoxious and make all the uncomfortable Micheal Bay jokes that you expect. They spend the film farting and shouting "My Man!" at each other and making me hate life. The worst character in terms of development though is clearly April O Neil, played by Megan Fox. Sure. she's hot but when she's objectified constantly and her stand out scene is her whoring out her whole gender, this isn't a character anyone but horny ten year olds will be happy with. Also, Tyler Perry is a cartoon character and undoes all good faith he got from Gone Girl.
I didn't know what to write for this bit because I don't know if I want to promote anything of this film further. There are decent bits in the soundtrack I guess. Seriously, this film is just a big, silly mess and not in a good way. I only realised how messy when the Rhino-man and the Warthog-man were driving through the Amazon rainforest to the tune of "War, what is it good for?". It's a scene as painfully stupid as it sounds and when I saw it, I became a giggling mess because I realised I was wasting my life watching this. It is utterly moronic and if the slow motion action shots of flipping cars and Megan Fox in a short skirt and crop top don't tell you that, Tyler Perry's waddling will. I've seen stupid films but believe me, even by their standards, the film is aggravatingly stupid
Please don't watch TMNT 2. It is pure filth. The jokes are bad, the action is dull and the women are so poorly written it makes porn films look like Orange is the new Black. Every moment offended me and it shouldn't be that a film's highlight is when it becomes so ridiculous it is bewildering. For a moment, this film was the worst I'd seen this year so I give it a low
Not to spoil the review but remember how I said TMNT 2 was the worst film I'd seen this year? Well, here's my review of Gods of Egypt.
Gods of Egypt is allegedly a film and it seems to be about the Gods of Ancient Egyptian mythology fighting each other. It all starts after (and this will seem confusing) Sett. played by Gerard Butler, kills the dad of Horus and this makes Horus, played by Jaime Lanister from Game of Thrones, very angry. Sett can't be arsed with that though so he tears out Horus' eyes. Meanwhile, some human guy is present for all this and has his girlfriend sold into slavery and then killed so he decides to ask Horus for help bringing her back from the dead in return for taking out Sett. The plot sounds like utter incoherent nonsense and that's because it is. It exists only to link together a series of really bad action scenes and one liners and while I'm not an expert on Egyptian mythology, I'm pretty sure there's a lot of stuff here that's just flat-out wrong, even by the standard of myths.
Acting is a notable low point in this film that marks a low point in cinema. There is the human guy who is apparently the hero of the story but unremarkable in all ways. He is as bland as it's possible for a human to be without being comatose. The Gods don't come off much better. Horus is played by Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones and any subtlety or skill he displayed on that show is nonexistent now. Close to the worst in acting is Gerard Butler as he spends the whole time shouting, being angry or angrily shouting. There's a reason I said Gerard Butler was second worst though as he at least gets a character. The worst roles here are any of the female characters who are all walking cleavage interests for the men of the story. The human cleavage is dull and dies quickly, becoming some dead titted macguffin, making everyone feel bad for her presence. Worst is the God cleavage because she's played by Elodie Yung, an actress who has shown genuine talent as Elektra in Daredevil so it's a shame she does absolutely nothing and doesn't even get a real ending, with her story being left open for a sequel. A SEQUEL? COME ON!
What I knew I had to talk about here but dreaded doing because I don't think I can rationally discuss it is the action. Being an action film, and one that revolves around mythology at that, good special effects are essential. Gods of Egypt does not have good special effects. In fact, it has awful ones. As one example, you know that thing Lord of the Rings did where it made the actors who are normally the same size look like they were shorter or taller than they were and did so despite being 16 years old and without looking weird? 15 years on, Gods of Egypt makes that effect look worse. The action scenes with their awful CGI are somehow made even worse by this strange need to spin the camera around characters who fight. Not only does it create motion sickness in the audience but it shows us how bad these animated beings look from all sides, a decision both perplexing and distressing.
No flashy ending, Gods of Egypt is the worst film I've seen this year. Apocalyptically bad doesn't even come close to the pain that watching this film gave me. The only real positive of this film is that it has not made a profit because it deserves nothing less than a crippling loss. Gods of Egypt is utter shit and that's why it gets the lowest possible rating of a
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Out of the Shadows (or TMNT 2 as I'll call it for the sake of not breaking my fingers typing) is the follow up to the last reboot of the Turtles franchise and while still not directed by Michael Bay, it certainly has his sticky Producer fingertips all over it. The story seems to follow on from the last one (I was blessed to miss it) with the turtles being the unknown heroes of Manhattan. They live underground but their peace is disturbed by Shredder being bust out of prison by his gang of ninjas who aren't turtles. This leads to the Turtles having to contend with Shredder, his new anthropomorphic Rhino and Warthog buddies Bebop and Rocksteady and the evil alien in a robot suit, Krang. Meanwhile, Megan Fox is busy being hot when she meets Casey Jones, a guy who likes hockey and being good at hockey. If the plot sounds messy, that's because it is.
The acting is barely worth mentioning here. The turtles are portrayed as dumb, broad steroetypes with there being the meathead, the nerd, the leader and the one you want to punch in the face. They are all as awful and having them as main characters is a mistake because I hated them and myself very quickly. Will Arnett is back (apparently) as a character who is unlikable but not in the hysterical way that Gob from Arrested Development is. The hot guy from Arrow is Casey Jones and I wasn't exaggerating when I said all he cares about is hockey. There's a bit where he tries to get back in the police force after being kicked out and then he's number one hockey fan again. Bebop and Rocksteady are possibly the two worst characters in the film. They are loud, obnoxious and make all the uncomfortable Micheal Bay jokes that you expect. They spend the film farting and shouting "My Man!" at each other and making me hate life. The worst character in terms of development though is clearly April O Neil, played by Megan Fox. Sure. she's hot but when she's objectified constantly and her stand out scene is her whoring out her whole gender, this isn't a character anyone but horny ten year olds will be happy with. Also, Tyler Perry is a cartoon character and undoes all good faith he got from Gone Girl.
I didn't know what to write for this bit because I don't know if I want to promote anything of this film further. There are decent bits in the soundtrack I guess. Seriously, this film is just a big, silly mess and not in a good way. I only realised how messy when the Rhino-man and the Warthog-man were driving through the Amazon rainforest to the tune of "War, what is it good for?". It's a scene as painfully stupid as it sounds and when I saw it, I became a giggling mess because I realised I was wasting my life watching this. It is utterly moronic and if the slow motion action shots of flipping cars and Megan Fox in a short skirt and crop top don't tell you that, Tyler Perry's waddling will. I've seen stupid films but believe me, even by their standards, the film is aggravatingly stupid
Please don't watch TMNT 2. It is pure filth. The jokes are bad, the action is dull and the women are so poorly written it makes porn films look like Orange is the new Black. Every moment offended me and it shouldn't be that a film's highlight is when it becomes so ridiculous it is bewildering. For a moment, this film was the worst I'd seen this year so I give it a low
Not to spoil the review but remember how I said TMNT 2 was the worst film I'd seen this year? Well, here's my review of Gods of Egypt.
Gods of Egypt is allegedly a film and it seems to be about the Gods of Ancient Egyptian mythology fighting each other. It all starts after (and this will seem confusing) Sett. played by Gerard Butler, kills the dad of Horus and this makes Horus, played by Jaime Lanister from Game of Thrones, very angry. Sett can't be arsed with that though so he tears out Horus' eyes. Meanwhile, some human guy is present for all this and has his girlfriend sold into slavery and then killed so he decides to ask Horus for help bringing her back from the dead in return for taking out Sett. The plot sounds like utter incoherent nonsense and that's because it is. It exists only to link together a series of really bad action scenes and one liners and while I'm not an expert on Egyptian mythology, I'm pretty sure there's a lot of stuff here that's just flat-out wrong, even by the standard of myths.
Acting is a notable low point in this film that marks a low point in cinema. There is the human guy who is apparently the hero of the story but unremarkable in all ways. He is as bland as it's possible for a human to be without being comatose. The Gods don't come off much better. Horus is played by Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones and any subtlety or skill he displayed on that show is nonexistent now. Close to the worst in acting is Gerard Butler as he spends the whole time shouting, being angry or angrily shouting. There's a reason I said Gerard Butler was second worst though as he at least gets a character. The worst roles here are any of the female characters who are all walking cleavage interests for the men of the story. The human cleavage is dull and dies quickly, becoming some dead titted macguffin, making everyone feel bad for her presence. Worst is the God cleavage because she's played by Elodie Yung, an actress who has shown genuine talent as Elektra in Daredevil so it's a shame she does absolutely nothing and doesn't even get a real ending, with her story being left open for a sequel. A SEQUEL? COME ON!
What I knew I had to talk about here but dreaded doing because I don't think I can rationally discuss it is the action. Being an action film, and one that revolves around mythology at that, good special effects are essential. Gods of Egypt does not have good special effects. In fact, it has awful ones. As one example, you know that thing Lord of the Rings did where it made the actors who are normally the same size look like they were shorter or taller than they were and did so despite being 16 years old and without looking weird? 15 years on, Gods of Egypt makes that effect look worse. The action scenes with their awful CGI are somehow made even worse by this strange need to spin the camera around characters who fight. Not only does it create motion sickness in the audience but it shows us how bad these animated beings look from all sides, a decision both perplexing and distressing.
No flashy ending, Gods of Egypt is the worst film I've seen this year. Apocalyptically bad doesn't even come close to the pain that watching this film gave me. The only real positive of this film is that it has not made a profit because it deserves nothing less than a crippling loss. Gods of Egypt is utter shit and that's why it gets the lowest possible rating of a
Comments
Post a Comment