Review- Super Mario Bros: The Movie

This week we celebrate the 30th anniversary of the release of Super Mario Bros. Now, I didn't want to just review the game or simply another Mario game and I frankly didn't have the patience to watch the cartoon show. So instead, I'm reviewing the classic Super Mario Bros movie that many people refer to as one of the worse video game movies in a genre that's not exactly famous for it's quality. Abandon hope all ye who enter because this is gonna get messy.

I'm going to try and explain the story but before I do, let me warn you: everything I'm about to describe is a genuine plot point in this movie. The Mario brothers (that's Mario Mario and Luigi Mario in case you were wondering) are plumbers living in modern day Brooklyn. One day, they meet an Architect named Daisy who was born out of an egg. She is kidnapped by two of the Koopa children who aren't dinosaurs, they're instead dressed like Sex Pistols rejects. Anyway, they follow Sid Aggressive into "The Mushroom Kingdom" which is near identical to Brooklyn. They attempt to find Daisy and beat Bowser who is just Dennis Hopper with stupid cornrows. Also, they meet Toad but he's just a busker and has nothing to do with mushrooms of any variety and Yoshi looks like a stolen puppet from Jurassic Park. That is all genuine and it's as awful and unbelievable as it sounds.

The problem is, the plot is probably the best bit. Let's take the acting. This film does have the legendary Bob Hoskins in it in what many people, Hoskins included, have described as his worst performance in his entire career. His portrayal as Mario doesn't have any sort of emotion in it. Even going back as far as the SNES, Mario could at least muster a smile. John Leguizamo isn't much better as Luigi. In fact, he's worse. You can almost hear the sadness in every wise he cracks. From what I've heard, this was an incredibly troubled shoot where the two would drink to keep going through filming. To be honest, I can't blame them. But the worst culprit for acting is Dennis Hopper. Bowser should never have been a human so really anyone but Andy Serkis was the wrong choice. Anyway, while it looks like Hopper is at least having fun with the role, that fun doesn't translate to the audience and leaves us bored and very disappointed.

I'd say (and I imagine most Nintendo fans would agree) that the single worst thing about this film is it's treatment of the video game series. Now sure, Mario may not have always had the best games and many would describe it as overrated but it's a classic series and there is something there for everyone to love, be it Mario Party, Mario Galaxy or even Mario Tennis (it's amazing, don't diss). So there are loads of games, all with loads of lore. This film makes the valiant choice of ignoring all of it. We don't meet Peach, we don't meet Donkey Kong. We don't even meet Pauline for Christ's sake! It could try and keep fans slightly happier by giving them fan service but instead, we get characters everyone knows (and two Koopa kids) with a side serving of characters that the makers wanted us to come to love but were simply not lovable enough for that.

So I wouldn't recommend this movie at all. It's not really made for anyone. Mario fans will hate it for it's slaughtering of the lore and reputation of the games. Movie fans will hate it for offering less than nothing to films as an art form. Sense fans will also hate it for the way it assaults the senses. Please don't watch this film. It's occasionally so bad it's good but other than that, there is no saving grace. That's why I give this film a

For those of you waiting to hear the results on that poll (http://strawpoll.me/5339316) they are coming next week. As for when that series comes into action, it hopefully shouldn't be more than a few eeks. However, with me going to college and being without a room at the moment, it could be a few weeks. Hold in there though and I promise it's coming!