Razzies 2015- Razzie Winner Predictions
So the Oscars are very soon but no one cares about those. Those last few blog posts have been filler until the real star of the awards circuit, The Razzies. For those who don't know, they're like the Oscars but for celebrating true piles of shit. It's the only awards where Michael Bay, Adam Sandler and anything Tyler Perry does are the favourites. So buckle up, because we're heading on a ride not dissimilar to the rapids but if the rapids was a sewer system under a curry house.
Razzie Redeemer Award- Ben Affleck for Gone Girl
Let's start with a healthy dose of positivity. This award recognizes people who have won Razzies before but have had a comeback and done some excellent work. For my money, Ben Affleck fits this category perfectly. After watching Gone Girl, you will forget (or at least want to forget) his previous mistakes. And boy, those were mistakes. Still, forget Daredevil and whatever Gigli was. Ben Affleck has truly redeemed himself. People may say that this is just a case of right role, right time and sure, it basically is. But a poor actor could never pull off the role of Nick Dunne. You know who can pull it off? Ben Affleck. He also gets his knob out briefly so hey, good job buddy. Your career can only go up, now that the world has seen your giglis.
Worst Remake, Rip-off or Sequel- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I have had the blessing of not seeing any of the turds on this list so it's basically all off my opinions of the people and films, mixed with a bit of what other people have been saying. That's why this first one goes to a film by movie maestro, Michael Bay. Yes, that's right, it's the Ninja Turtles reboot, a film that took everything people loved about the silly cartoon and ridiculous movies of the nineties and destroys it. Because what everything nowadays needs is a fresh layer of grit over absolutely everything. And Mr Bay applies that with lavish strokes while still refusing to leave the silly bits behind. It creates a film that's just disappointing and can't even be saved by the comic magic of Will Arnett. Now that, is a huge mistake.
Worst Screenplay- Sex Tape
Oh my god, there are so many awful films on this list. One particular turd log is this pile of trash called Sex Tape. For a start, it's hugely misleading. We never even see Cameron Diaz nude or anything. It's also just pathetic, relying on a series of awful innuendos and toilet humour that would struggle to keep a twelve year old amused. The jokes fall flat and it's not because Jason Segel isn't funny (although he get's no points for his acting here). No, it all falls flat because it's poorly written. In fact, the script is so poor that a porn film could evoke more emotion. Ironically, that's the funniest thing about the whole film.
Worst Screen Combo- Any two robots, actors (or robotic actors) in Trans4mers
Michael Bay is famed for writing great characters in the same way that I'm famed for loving a good romcom. The characters in his films are either offensive (see Skid and Mudflap) or totally bland (see any other character from any other one of his films) and Trans4mers offers no exception to that rule. Instead, we see the writers put more time into explaining why it's not creepy for a dude to be banging an underage girl. Admittedly, that whole "Romeo and Juliet law" thing has given me plenty of material to mock Mr Bay for but it's still awful. Plus, we have Mark Whalberg in an action movie role. Marky Mark has recently proved that he's only particularly good in self referential comedy roles, like in Ted. Trans4mers is not this. What it is, is awful.
Worst Director- Michael Bay for Trans4mers
I've just made my feelings very clear on Trans4mers and all the awful choices made are Michael Bay-isms. They're all clear signs that he was well in control of this sinking ship and he drove it right into the ground gleefully, probably hoping it would cause a huge explosion.
Worst Supporting Actor- Kiefer Sutherland in Pompeii
The worst thing is when a great actor becomes involved in a piece of shit movie, gets paid a wad of cash to do it and then totally phones in their performance. That's what happened here, with Pompeii. While the actual event is hugely tragic and the song by Bastille is spine tingling, this film is just a disappointment. A CGI stain on the career of an intense and impressive actor that will forever be attempted to bleach out with disappointing results.
Worst Supporting Actress- Megan Fox in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Megan Fox. Sure, she's attractive but that's about all she has going. Her acting style is dull. Her facial expressions go from mild arousal to surprised arousal. She's a poster girl but she's certainly not an actress. Or at least, not in the classy side of the film industry, if you get what I'm saying. Unquestionably, Michael Bay was right (and I don't say that a lot) to remove her from Transformers but it's incredibly counter productive to just plop her in another franchise. Fox has had her chance. But then she had another. And another. And then this. Let's just pray it's the last.
Worst Actress- Cameron Diaz for Sex Tape and The Other Woman
What wasted potential. After a breakout role in The Mask and a long string of entertaining and funny roles, we have 2014. The year Cameron Diaz's career died. Time to solve this murder. First suspect: The Other Woman. This film was meant to be a light hearted, funny chick flick that empowered women. In the end, it was just light. Next suspect: Sex Tape. The aforementioned Sex Tape takes two decent actors and ignores everything that people love about them, apart from Diaz's sex appeal but even that was wasted. Finally: Annie. Urgh. This got remade why? Anyway, the evidence all seems to suggest that it was a group killing and that all of them played a crucial part in this murder. Rest iin peace, Cameron Diaz's career. May your spirit live on through the stuff that didn't suck.
Worst Actor- Adam Sandler in Blended
I would like to defend Adam Sandler by saying that some of his stuff from when he was on Saturday Night Live is pretty damn funny. Defense over, Adam Sandler has been of the comedy rails for a long time and while this isn't quite Grown Ups 2, it's still trash. One day Adam Sandler might go back to decent comedy. And one day, it might rain turtles from the sky and we all run for shelter in our buildings made of fishcakes and hummus.
Worst Picture- Trans4mers
Michael Bay. I feel we've done this before. Now, I could just reiterate everything I've said before about Michael Bay. Or instead, we could all just agree that we should stop watching these awful, awful films. The reason this film is the wort film of the year is not just because it was an awful film, it's because of the precedent it set. This film was lazy, thoughtless and just plain bad. How did we, the film viewing public, respond to this? It became the highest grossing film of the year. If we let films like this become big time money earners, the industry will slowly collapse until we're staring at Indian Jones 5 in it's fourth reboot but the film is actually just Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Hayley Joel Osmont's face photoshopped onto every character. And no one wants that
Razzie Redeemer Award- Ben Affleck for Gone Girl
Let's start with a healthy dose of positivity. This award recognizes people who have won Razzies before but have had a comeback and done some excellent work. For my money, Ben Affleck fits this category perfectly. After watching Gone Girl, you will forget (or at least want to forget) his previous mistakes. And boy, those were mistakes. Still, forget Daredevil and whatever Gigli was. Ben Affleck has truly redeemed himself. People may say that this is just a case of right role, right time and sure, it basically is. But a poor actor could never pull off the role of Nick Dunne. You know who can pull it off? Ben Affleck. He also gets his knob out briefly so hey, good job buddy. Your career can only go up, now that the world has seen your giglis.
Worst Remake, Rip-off or Sequel- Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
I have had the blessing of not seeing any of the turds on this list so it's basically all off my opinions of the people and films, mixed with a bit of what other people have been saying. That's why this first one goes to a film by movie maestro, Michael Bay. Yes, that's right, it's the Ninja Turtles reboot, a film that took everything people loved about the silly cartoon and ridiculous movies of the nineties and destroys it. Because what everything nowadays needs is a fresh layer of grit over absolutely everything. And Mr Bay applies that with lavish strokes while still refusing to leave the silly bits behind. It creates a film that's just disappointing and can't even be saved by the comic magic of Will Arnett. Now that, is a huge mistake.
Worst Screenplay- Sex Tape
Oh my god, there are so many awful films on this list. One particular turd log is this pile of trash called Sex Tape. For a start, it's hugely misleading. We never even see Cameron Diaz nude or anything. It's also just pathetic, relying on a series of awful innuendos and toilet humour that would struggle to keep a twelve year old amused. The jokes fall flat and it's not because Jason Segel isn't funny (although he get's no points for his acting here). No, it all falls flat because it's poorly written. In fact, the script is so poor that a porn film could evoke more emotion. Ironically, that's the funniest thing about the whole film.
Worst Screen Combo- Any two robots, actors (or robotic actors) in Trans4mers
Michael Bay is famed for writing great characters in the same way that I'm famed for loving a good romcom. The characters in his films are either offensive (see Skid and Mudflap) or totally bland (see any other character from any other one of his films) and Trans4mers offers no exception to that rule. Instead, we see the writers put more time into explaining why it's not creepy for a dude to be banging an underage girl. Admittedly, that whole "Romeo and Juliet law" thing has given me plenty of material to mock Mr Bay for but it's still awful. Plus, we have Mark Whalberg in an action movie role. Marky Mark has recently proved that he's only particularly good in self referential comedy roles, like in Ted. Trans4mers is not this. What it is, is awful.
Worst Director- Michael Bay for Trans4mers
I've just made my feelings very clear on Trans4mers and all the awful choices made are Michael Bay-isms. They're all clear signs that he was well in control of this sinking ship and he drove it right into the ground gleefully, probably hoping it would cause a huge explosion.
Worst Supporting Actor- Kiefer Sutherland in Pompeii
The worst thing is when a great actor becomes involved in a piece of shit movie, gets paid a wad of cash to do it and then totally phones in their performance. That's what happened here, with Pompeii. While the actual event is hugely tragic and the song by Bastille is spine tingling, this film is just a disappointment. A CGI stain on the career of an intense and impressive actor that will forever be attempted to bleach out with disappointing results.
Worst Supporting Actress- Megan Fox in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
Megan Fox. Sure, she's attractive but that's about all she has going. Her acting style is dull. Her facial expressions go from mild arousal to surprised arousal. She's a poster girl but she's certainly not an actress. Or at least, not in the classy side of the film industry, if you get what I'm saying. Unquestionably, Michael Bay was right (and I don't say that a lot) to remove her from Transformers but it's incredibly counter productive to just plop her in another franchise. Fox has had her chance. But then she had another. And another. And then this. Let's just pray it's the last.
Worst Actress- Cameron Diaz for Sex Tape and The Other Woman
What wasted potential. After a breakout role in The Mask and a long string of entertaining and funny roles, we have 2014. The year Cameron Diaz's career died. Time to solve this murder. First suspect: The Other Woman. This film was meant to be a light hearted, funny chick flick that empowered women. In the end, it was just light. Next suspect: Sex Tape. The aforementioned Sex Tape takes two decent actors and ignores everything that people love about them, apart from Diaz's sex appeal but even that was wasted. Finally: Annie. Urgh. This got remade why? Anyway, the evidence all seems to suggest that it was a group killing and that all of them played a crucial part in this murder. Rest iin peace, Cameron Diaz's career. May your spirit live on through the stuff that didn't suck.
Worst Actor- Adam Sandler in Blended
I would like to defend Adam Sandler by saying that some of his stuff from when he was on Saturday Night Live is pretty damn funny. Defense over, Adam Sandler has been of the comedy rails for a long time and while this isn't quite Grown Ups 2, it's still trash. One day Adam Sandler might go back to decent comedy. And one day, it might rain turtles from the sky and we all run for shelter in our buildings made of fishcakes and hummus.
Worst Picture- Trans4mers
Michael Bay. I feel we've done this before. Now, I could just reiterate everything I've said before about Michael Bay. Or instead, we could all just agree that we should stop watching these awful, awful films. The reason this film is the wort film of the year is not just because it was an awful film, it's because of the precedent it set. This film was lazy, thoughtless and just plain bad. How did we, the film viewing public, respond to this? It became the highest grossing film of the year. If we let films like this become big time money earners, the industry will slowly collapse until we're staring at Indian Jones 5 in it's fourth reboot but the film is actually just Kingdom of the Crystal Skull with Hayley Joel Osmont's face photoshopped onto every character. And no one wants that
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